Only Shallow

I used to revere the nighttime. I used to love wrapping myself in a mountain of misery. I used to escape from home by getting high, and sometimes I still feel little pushes to go toke, to uncork every bottle and pour down the drinks. But that’s not who I want to be. I want to face everything with a clear mind. Unless I’m doing it for fun, I’m not going to do it for escape.

Today has been pretty awful, I woke up feeling sick, and only writing this am I starting to feel better. I feel like I haven’t even given home a chance yet but it’s already trying to push me around. My mother in particular has not even sat down to have a conversation with me, or asked me for once what I want to do instead of immediately trying to direct me around. First: I know this is your house, but I’m not a child anymore and I should at least be spoken to rationally instead of you trying to push decisions into me so much. I know your not going to be able to give me money but I never asked you to. I just need to rest for a little bit. I may not take the hardest classes at school, but going to one of the best schools in the country carries its fair amount of stress. I don’t want to be a bum, and I’m not planning on sitting at home all summer, but I need to do things at my own pace. I’m perfectly fine with starting a job next monday, but that should be my decision not something you push unto me.

I need to be free from the demands of my family and the constant expectations of success. I know I’m not perfect, and I know I’m not the best, but I just want to feel appreciated for myself as a person. Deep down I know I turned out pretty good and I just wish my family could see that a little more. I guess if they don’t then it really shouldn’t bug me as much as it’s doing right now. 

I need a bright and sunny day to come in through the window, so I can step out of the door and laugh at the birds chirping and the squirrels chasing each other. I want to be with my friends. Just kickin’ it in the park with nothing important looming over our heads. I want to hold hands with my girlfriend and share a good meal together. I want to meet her friends and more than anything I want to see her smiling. 

May 15, 2011

Since writing this I feel much better. I took Hana’s advice and spoke with my mother. Our conversation was rather short but she heard me out and hopefully we can start to communicate a little better now. I’ve gotten a few applications started but I’ve only actually finished applying to a few places. I really don’t want to sit at home doing nothing, but I also don’t want to be stuck all summer doing something I absolutely hate. I applied to a record store and I have my fingers crossed, but even something less ideal would be alright with me. Being at home still feels pretty weird, but as soon as I’m able to start working and get out of the house more often I think I’ll feel a lot better. Most importantly I’ll finally have enough money to go visit my love.